So, I discovered my old digital journals a while back and somehow managed to retrieve the password for them, and I found this entry among them.
I had been reading up on Steve Pavlina's concept of Light-, and Darkworkers at the time. It's really interesting, because I feel the same way today some 6-7 years later, as I did when I wrote it. It only shows that this is still the overhead paradigm of my life, and it is amazing that I already back then leaned towards self-love. It's just a shame that life happened and that I forgot all about this for such a long time, only to have to rediscover it again...
Anyway, here it is:
And so it begins. Is this the paradigm shift that I've been waiting for?
I am sitting here not quite sure what to write really. I don't want to write this just for the sake of writing something. It has to have significance.
I have, however, discovered a way of which to follow. That is more I think than I've ever had before. I have now this day consciously decided to live only for me. So from here on I will have to make sure the things I do is in alignment with what is good for me, and what I want. It is true, I've had this view for some time now, so this path follows very well with what I already am. It was kind of funny when i realized that, that I already had begun treading on this path, yet unknowingly so. But now I know. And now I can use the full capacity, potential and force of solely committing to live my way in this way.
I live only for me.
That is the simple rule. That is the absolute rule. Depending on the situation I might of course need to step in, and step up for others. But only because I will be wanting to, and that it would in the end be beneficial to my existence and experience here.
I am not quite sure of how all this will unfold. But I have the feeling that something just fell into place. That this is the right way. Others might not understand. Most probably won't. But that is of no consequence as I have shouldered the mantle of my existence, and that is all that matters.
I will attract the wealth, material and spiritual abundance, the knowledge, and the people that I desire. In reality, I have already begun. Like a visualization of dark read streams of energy, flowing from the world into me, strengthening me by the minute.
This might all be a pseudoscience. Another "Here there be dragons". But regardless if it can be proven in a lab or not, it will serve me as a way to focus my efforts in life, and thus the results I seek will start to appear.
Although living this way will have its price, as the force I draw from the world is sucked back. There is a dept to be paid, and it will come as competition, enemies, and forces working against me. But there is comfort in that the forces piled against me will only be as great as the power I've already drawn from the world, and I would be strong enough to be able to deal with those matters as long as I conserve my strength and prepare myself. This way I will never grow content or stagnate. This way I will be forced to stay on my edge.
I've thought about it a little, being a Darkworker compared to a Lightworker, and I must say that I simply felt more compelled to exist as a the first rather than the latter. I am not sure why, but the notion of 'evil' has always been attractive to me. I suppose it's the Rebel in me; the Lucifer.
I get excited about the thought of the journey I've just begun. Life is an adventure, and I mean to live it as one. Regardless of what happens, I will die anyway. So why not live as much as I can while I am here? Why not be as much as possible?
But I need to establish what exactly I want beyond those material things. What is it that I want beyond that? That is, what will I make the purpose of my life? That in itself is a journey, and I will get there when I am ready for it. I will strive for enlightenment. Whether I will succeed at that in this life or not remains to be seen.
But I am prepared to go all the way. In a sense, it does feel like there is no going back now. It feels good about being serious about something. I stood in front of this choice a few years ago, and I never made the choice back then. But now it feels as if it is exactly as it should be. I will do this as much as I possibly can. I will have it; I will have it all.
I find it both curious and amazing that I back then, just as I do now, told myself that 'I am prepared to go all the way.'
I wasn't all that far off back then, after all.
Being what Steve calls a 'Darkworker' resonates very well with the quest for self love, which in and of itself resonates very well with chaos magick. And also as I've come to learn that it's basically LHP in a nutshell. I might add though, that this is not to be confused with narcissism - which is actually the exact opposite of self-love!
Also, if you read Steve's whole article-series of Polarization as either a Light,- or a Darkworker (which you should!) you'll realize that even if you put yourself "first", you will have to empower those around you as well to really get where you want to be. And you will want to as well. You will be wanting to share your power and strength. By giving to yourself strength first, you have the resources to carry those important to you as well. And as you empower those around you; your family, your friends, colleges, and associates - they too will become stronger and will, as a collective, be able to carry you in turn. It's just a simple give and take, only the other way around. At least that's how I see it.
The potential trap of Darkworking though, is what Steve calls the 'Darkworker paradox'. What it means is that if all you do is exploiting others, working for your own gain and never giving anything back - soon enough no one will want to be anywhere near you. Just as a Lightworker gives to others first in order to receive herself, a Darkworker must receive first, in order to give. But the giving-process must not be omitted! Because if it is, the world will work to raze your empire and pull all those good things back away from you, one way or another. Balance is the key here, and that is the only way in order to prosper as a Darkworker in the long run; both as an individual and a member of the community. It's one of the reasons why I started this blog. I had a need to share what I had been given; the knowledge and experience of my own journey. I write in order to empower others.
It's curious. We are all taught that we should put ourselves out there to help others... But really, if we lack the strength and resources to take care of ourselves... how could we? If we don't have the power to help ourselves, how in the world would we be able to help others? It's a paradox that will end in your own undoing, and you will burn out. That, in contrast to the previous, is the 'Lightworker paradox'. It's the reason they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then help the others put on theirs. If you can't breathe yourself you can't possibly help anyone else.
Let 'love of self' be the primary target, and let it be the primary position of power from where actions and choices are made. Let self-empowerment be your goal. Others will be empowered in your wake, but first and foremost; empower yourself. Become Powerful First - Then Help.
So give yourself some slack and start loving yourself. Life feels a little easier that way too.
And god-be-damned read Steve's articles on polarization! It will blow your mind.
Yours truly - In prosperity, chaos, and perpetual self-love