Journal entry - 2018-04-17
So, it has come to this then, eh?
I've always seen myself as "above" - as in having an elevated perspective. A bit elitist, I realize. But I've always found it, well... founded. I suppose it has to do with some other type of intelligence in some way, and that I've always perceived the world around me differently than my peers. It always seemed that the way we organized our societies and how they worked, and how people interacted with each other were just... idiotic at best. How could I not find myself different from the people who could not see this as well? How was it so readily and easily accepted by the majority of people that it was just the way things were...? That change was not possible?
My only suffering is that I allowed myself to be dragged down to the same levels of emotion and intellect. It's why I've found myself in such a deep mire for such a long time, instead of brazenly setting out on my own path from the very beginning. Imagine if I had found magic during my adolescent years, I might have been stronger now. Imagine what I could have done during all this time?
Although on the other hand, if I had begun this path earlier I might have been schooled in some limited world view still, and that I actually needed all that life experience to become what I am today. In my mind I assumed a title of Lord. Not that I felt entitled to anything or wanted to be in charge or so, but it was a sort of mental exercise to expand my mind - to raise above the entrapment of every day life and to keep my eyes on the price. I saw myself as a Wandering Prince - a Chevalier of the Abyss. And truly so. I do care little about the everyday suffering of people, even though I can fully relate. I am not antisocial in any way - quite the contrary actually. When I was a child I wanted to save the world. Now I just want to destroy the wickedness so that the goodness may find place to grow instead. I suppose that's how innocence dies.
So I found myself aspiring to become in some way... something else. A type of otherworldly aspect of myself I suppose. And now I know a name for it. Archon. And that would make me an aspiring Archon Ascendant. Not that I care about ruling over others - not at all in fact. All I care about is power over this material prison, and consuming the secrets and the undertows of the universe.
Now I know what this ravenousness is. I was born with it. A psychic vampire? No, that's just a silly notion. More like a devoratrix really. I felt like a spirit trapped in a human body, and the hunger... it aches. Why was I put here? How can I free myself from these mortal bonds? And when I do, will my life as it is - end? Would I transcend life and existence itself? If I tell others, and other magi's especially, will they think me insane instead of just "eccentric?" I've started to dissolve my sense of reality. Is this what the deep end feels like?
Who then can help me get there? To ascension?
Lucifer himself showed me the darkness when I called to be shown True Evil - something that other mages apparently have seen as well. A deep, enormous hungering blackness. Should I try to seek it out again? Can he guide me there yet again, or should I try to find my own way? Facing True Evil seems about the way to go for this kind of ascension. Where I am going there can be no fear. There are so many Others I can turn to for help, but the Morningstar is the only one (save for the one in the mask...) that has appeared in my dreams and has been accommodating. As a child I prayed to the Morningstar in the twilight of dawn long before I even knew what it really was... I suppose I should meditate on this. But what more can I do to get their attention?
I've also begun working with Alchemy, and True Alchemy at that. Not that Puffer stuff. And I must say that whenever I do practice energy transmutation I feel amazing. Sometimes even high. How can I build on that? How can I make a scaffold out of that? It seems reasonable that for my magic to be effective and accurate, that I need energy - and great excess energy - for it to be really working as I'd want it to. Without energy my magic attempts would just be puffs in the air. So I need to dive deeper into Energy Management and True Alchemy. When I can gather, keep, and project energy in great amounts the magic will have no choice but to work as intended. My output will simply be too much. But how to get there?
And transcendence/ascendance has been a desire of mine for a very, very long time. How could I find a way to defy death? Now at least I know where to begin. There are no maps for these Outlands, but I do have a Compass, and a pretty darn good one at that. My primary focus right now should not be with dabbling with various magical techs, but to focus on my Energy Management, and to Get Their Attention - Lucifer, the one in the black mask, and the darkness. Those "presences" are the only Others that I've met and have had contact with so far, and so I should try to get in touch with them again. Well, and then there's Umbra of course, but she's another story entirely. I do want to meet her again though...
And facing True Evil scared me. It really did. But if I aspire to become an Archon Ascendant, a little bit of fear shouldn't put me of. If anything I should present myself as someone aspiring to become it's equal in power, knowing, and hunger. I should linger on it some more.
Ah, and the sigil that came to me during meditative ascension. I should try to dwell on it some more and see who's strings I am pulling.
There are so many ways to go, but I should always look within to my own compass to find my way. Other magi's may come with great ideas and provide amazing knowledge and insights and experience, and I should really stay awhile and listen. But in the end only I will know the path I tread. I need more than this. So, so much more.
The hunger is relentless - maddening even.
It feels like I am starving.
Oh, Lord, what will become of me?