Interpersonal regression

Photo by  Seth Doyle  on  Unsplash

Photo by Seth Doyle on Unsplash

I read a book recently that mentions that when you enter your parent's sphere of influence, you tend to regress to a state similar to how you were when you were still living with them (or had them close to you). This got me thinking because I recognize myself so well in that. Whenever I visit my parents (usually for a longer time as they live some distance away) I tend to act and behave more like I did when I was growing up and when I was living with them. A crude comparison, but I am acting more like the child I was. Not in every regard, of course, I am still an adult. But there is some part of me that becomes comfortable with being there. A part of me regresses to that state of being taken care of.

Which made me think about some more. What if it's not just one's parent's sphere of influence? What if it's the same with your friends? Your siblings? And perhaps even your partner or spouse?

It's interesting. I've made a tremendous journey in regards to personal development in these past seven years, but even so, when I am with my spouse I can still behave like I did when we first met, seven years ago. Now it could be for all kinds of reasons, but what if when I enter my spouse's sphere of influence, I partly regress into that state where I was when we first got together? I've still evolved and mature, sure. But when I am on my own, I am who I want to be, and when I am with my partner, part of me is more like I was before. Now that's interesting. Why is that so?

Honesty, I have no idea. I am sure there are plenty of reasons and explanations for it, but none that I am qualified to claim.

It also works the other way around

Imagine, if you regress into a previous state of yourself when you enter someone's sphere of influence… the same actually happens to them! Depending on their level of maturity and consciousness, they too will party behave like they use(d) to when you are around. Realizing this it might be a good idea to cut the people around you some slack. This includes family, friends, co-worker, and, of course, partners and spouses.

But by improving yourself you are better equipped to deal with the quirks and weaknesses of those people around you. And you know what? It might even help them get past it. If you are the more mature, they will in time come to reflect that behavior, and act more mature themselves. This, of course, takes some time, and it's is their responsibility to actually change. Yours is to accept, and to deal with whatever situation may arise - but it's not your responsibility to change anyone else! The truth of the matter is - you can't. You can only ever change yourself, no matter how much you'd like to help someone reach a higher level of maturity and conscious. Accept that, and love them anyway.

The magical 10/10

What I wanted to bring forward about this is that you need to make yourself the best you possible before you commit to a long relationship. That means that you will have to work to make yourself a 10/10 (or why not crank it up to 11?). That way, if you ever regress in your partner's sphere of influence, you will find yourself where you were from the beginning - which will be the best you possible at the time! Which won't be so bad after all, now will it? That means that you will be better equipped to deal with whatever drama or crisis that might come your way.

And for you who aren’t familiar with the term 10/10, it's more or less a way to determine someone's attractiveness (which of course, is completely subjective). But it's also a way to measure of how you perceive yourself - and making a conscious effort to make yourself the best you possible (a 10) has way more benefits than just finding a mate.

What I am trying to say is that you need to make yourself the best possible you before you find that someone (or someones - I don't judge). Working on yourself is the best way you can spend your time because that investment will not only follow you to the end of the road, it will compound! All you do to develop yourself will add and complement each other, creating cross-skills and knowledge about a lot of things!

And even so, if finding someone to live with (or to just play with) is not what you want at the moment, then wouldn't you want to be the best you anyway, considering that you will be keeping yourself company for the rest of your life anyway? Being the best you will liberate you from a lot of emotional pain and mental strain. (the pain might still remain, but you will be better equipped to get through it…). That means that creating the best you should be your first and foremost priority at all times.

The core of the concept is that you improve on yourself first so that you never will find yourself regressing to an earlier (possibly even more immature) state of being, and making you a "ten-ten" is one conscious way to make sure of that. It's also a way to determine your own progress, and to allow you to perceive yourself as "better than before". Sometimes it's difficult to admit to ourselves the progress that we make and give ourselves credit for it - which is also something that we need to do to improve our sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Give yourself some credit!


So, how do you make yourself a ten-ten?

Or an eleven-ten. Why settle?

First of all, you need to realize that all the things in your life, good and bad, is your responsibility. It might not be your fault if you ever want to find a scapegoat, but it is your responsibility to deal with it in the very best way that you can. Also, never blame on others. Blaming anything on anyone shifts your focus and you are relinquishing your power to change the situation because you've relinquished the responsibility to do so! By blaming others you are actually undermining your own power and potential. Stop it.

Secondly, it's a good thing to realize that your emotions or just another thought. And a thought does not equal truth or reality, and as such your emotions are not necessarily true or accurate in regards to reality. Let me explain. This is basic NLP stuff, and it works like this:

Situation → Instant thought response → Judging thought → Emotional reaction → Expression of emotional response towards situation

This basically means that your emotion and response to a situation is no more than a thought that you have judged and valued in one way or another. We evolve this process as infants, and it makes the emotional response more or less automatic. BUT we can hijack it, by intercepting the thought-response and realize that we don't have to respond to that given situation automatically. We can choose how we respond. This is especially useful in regards to interpersonal relationships, or situations that you have no control over. This takes a bit of conscious effort and takes some time, given that the automatic thought-emotion-response are so well established in our minds and brains. But neuroplasticity is a thing, and you can actually alter your neural pathways like this. Just be more aware of when you react emotionally to situations, how you react, and decide how you would like to respond to it instead. Knowing this you have no more excuses for "this is how I am!" YOU have the power to change how you respond to any given situation, and you always have the choice. Make it.

Thirdly, you need to improve your physical self. This means to exercise. But it doesn't have to be one hour four times a week at the gym. A seven-minute workout every day is more than enough. The important thing is that you do it with consistency.

Improving your physical self also mean to consider what you put inside you. What you eat will not only fuel you - it will build you. The idea of "you become what you eat" bears more truth than we'd like to know. Bad fats, for instance. The walls of your cells are made of the fat that you consume, and by consuming bad fats, you are providing only low-quality resources for your body to build your cell walls, and your cells (and thus also you) will suffer for it. With less efficient cell walls, they won't be able to absorb nutrients and so on as well as they otherwise would.

Another aspect of diet is dairy, meat, and wheat. Now, a lot can be said (and have been said) about these foods but... and people generally don't like when you impede on their diets (I've found it's a very personal thing). But from my experience, when I cut these foods out of my life my energy levels greatly improve. I have more mental clarity and fortitude (no mind fog), I am less irritable, and I feel better in general. We can also enter the discussion of how these foods are inflammatory and possibly carcinogenic because of it... but I wont. The other health benefits are more than enough.

Hydrate. Most of us are dehydrated, and hydrating will improve on your mental clarity, your digestion, it will help your body remove waste, and it will improve your skin complexion. There are some that say that we don't need to hydrate, but given the amount of caffeine and salty foods we eat, and how little pure water we actually drink, I'd say that we are. And you will have to drink a lot of water to suffer from water poisoning Yes, that is a thing. It actually happened to my brother, but then again he was a ranger medic on a military exercise... and I doubt you are... If you find that drinking a lot of regular water is difficult then add just a little bit of carbonated water to it, or add some lemon juice or even apple cider vinegar (which has even more health benefits!). That will make it easier to consume in greater amounts.

Now, there has been a lot of hype around fasting, and with good reason. fasting has been a part of human culture for millennia. Different types of fasting works better for others, and you need to find a way that suits you. My personal favorite is intermittent fasting "16-8." This means that I will eat during an 8-hour window every day (from 11:00 to 19:00, and then fast the rest of the day. This helps the body to clean out all the waste and accumulated toxins, as well as beginning regeneration of cells (instead of producing new ones). Fasting in general will give you more energy and more mental clarity, and you will still get to eat your meals during the day. Hunger is just another thought that we react to, and even if it is initially uncomfortable, we can easily get through it. This is why this kind of fasting works so great. I just have to "endure" to lunch, and then eat by seven at the latest. I can't say it's particularly difficult.

Another great thing with fasting is that your body enter a ketogenic state after a few hours (when you sleep), and as there are no more glucose in your muscles to burn your body will start to burn your fat reserves instead. And all you have to do is keep sleeping! Isn't that wonderful?

And lastly…

Love yourself.

I know, I say that a lot. But it is central to your existence, and nothing really you do in life or try to do will have any meaning unless you learn to love yourself. For better and for worse, love all of you. This also makes you more attractive, and that is the 11/10 I talked about. Besides, loving yourself wholly (including all your weaknesses) makes you incredibly confident, and that is very attractive.

Doing this, and specifically making yourself stronger or "better" will help you not to regress to a previous state when entering someone's sphere of influence, no matter who it is. This will make you a leader in your circles, and people will look up to you for your maturity and confidence.

If anything, you will like yourself more. And that is priceless in and of itself anyway.

As always, yours truly,

J.L.R. Kruse