For love of self and chaos magic

I've been meaning to create a blog for quite some time now. In all honesty, I've had this site for over a year now, though I have never really published anything on it. I just now figured out the name for it...

But I have been wanting to share my story for so long, that I now finally had to take the plunge. I couldn't keep it inside anymore. 

And here I am - unfiltered, unhinged, unashamed.

I've been spending the better part of my life with my two companions; self hatred and self loathing. Not being particularly good company, I knew that I somehow had to get rid of them. So I embarked on a journey of personal development. And sure enough it helped. A lot. But there was still something missing. Something deep down. I had the tools to alter how I thought about myself and about the world, but I couldn't quite get there.

It was by August 2016 that I accidentally stumbled upon that weird thing called chaos magic. (What was that really?) Intrigued, I started to read more and more, and not just about chaos magic, but about all kinds of western and eastern esoteric occultism, while also keeping up with my personal development. It was inevitable that they both entangled sooner or later, since the path of the magi is basically the disassembly and reassembly of yourself and of your beliefs about both the world and yourself.

And then it struck me. Perceiving the world, and my own development, through a lens of chaos magic was exactly what I had been looking for. Not only did I now have a framework to work with, but with the further development of 'self love' that is so central in chaos magic, as well as the focus on results, and one's own responsibility to see to those results no matter what... that really got me going. And the results came.

By that time I decided, at least for a while, that my ambition, my knowledge, and my sorcery would be the focus of my life. I would devote my time to the study of those fields, and like so, the progress (or lack thereof) in my life would be solely my responsibility. I slowly but surely started to chip away on the excuses and the victim mentality. I no longer hated myself, and understood that my actions up to that point was simply a product of learned behaviors from past years. Behaviors I had learned from my family, friends, society, and as a coping mechanism. But now I no longer needed excuses. Now I had the power in my hands to shape my life to be exactly as I wanted it to be.

I knew already by then that it would be a long journey. A long, difficult, and solitary journey. But one I needed to make nonetheless. And I was determined to go all the way. I would have to question some really deep seated thought-patterns of mine, and it would hurt. A lot. And it have. But it was all worth it. It is always worth it.

Having made this journey, I felt a need to share my experience with other wanderers, keepers, seekers, and what else. I wanted to share with you what has worked for me and what I've discovered so far, as well as the things yet to come.

Ever since I started upon this path of the magi, things have indeed gotten wyrd. And it's getting weirder still. I figure that is a good thing, since that means that the things I am doing are actually working, and someone or something is working with me to help me achieve whatever results I set my mind to accomplish. Critics be damned, the magic works!

I do hope that my humble story can help you on your own adventure, and that I can shed some insight as to what chaos magic is and what the study of the occult can do for you - as it has done for me. I am a student, and a learner, and the only way to learn is if one is open to new experiences and new insights. Something very valuable that I've learned on this journey is the readiness to cast aside previous beliefs, so that you might replace it with something better.

I am by no means an expert in neither the occult or personal development, and I am humble for the journeys and adventures that you yourselves are on. It is difficult for all of us, and all I have is my own experiences and my own reflections. Therefore - as I always say; take what you need - abandon the rest. Leave all that does not serve you well.

Yours truly, in prosperity, and in chaos.

J.L.R. Kruse